


look, we're here alone

by justNoa



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: AU, Charlie/J-Dog is the main pairing though, Jealousy, Light Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, i keep making J-Dog's Biggest Fan references and i'm not even sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-03-26 04:13:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13849866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justNoa/pseuds/justNoa
Summary: Charlie wasn't sure how he'd gotten himself into this situation, but he was totally okay with it. More than okay, actually.





	1. more than friends

Charlie wasn't sure how he'd gotten himself into this situation, but he was totally okay with it. More than okay, actually.

\--

He'd been waiting nearly twenty minutes when Jay finally came out of Danny's room, nearly giving him a heart attack when he spoke up beside him.

"You had fun last night?" he asked, lowering the phone he'd been pretending to look at.

Jay looked like a deer caught in headlights, Charlie thought.

"What?" he laughed nervously, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else. "What are you even doing here?" his cheeks were slightly flushed _,_ short black hair tousled. It was quite endearing, really.

He knew he had to make something up or he would just look ridiculous, hanging around Danny's room like some idiot. He shrugged. "Waiting for Johnny?" he tried, pointing towards a random door but it came out sounding more like a question.

Jorel looked up and scowled at him. "I'll see you later, Charlie."

He was gone before he had a chance to say anything else, leaving him standing there by himself, like always. Charlie frowned, staring after his retreating form. He suddenly felt extremely stupid and, he realized, empty.

He shook his head, glancing briefly at Danny's door. He contemplated knocking but decided against it **.** That probably would've overdone it a bit.

And besides...They'd be on tour soon, anyway. He'd have plenty of time to get him alone then.

\--

It was hot inside the bus, the heavy smell of nicotine, alcohol and cocoa butter hanging in the air.

He found himself alone with Jay after barely a day of being on tour, while the others were outside doing whatever it was they were doing. Honestly, he didn't really want to know what they were up to this time.

He was sitting on the couch next to Charlie, a bottle of beer hanging loosely from his hand, his elbows on his knees and his chin resting on his knuckles. His eyes were cast down, seemingly staring into space.

Charlie really wanted to get drunk but being the first to get shitfaced sucked _._ He also couldn't miss the chance to tease Jay while he was still sober. He drummed his fingers against the label on his own bottle, watching his friend from the corner of his eye.

Just when he was about to open his mouth, Jay spoke up.

"So...do you know?" he asked, still studying the floor.

Well, that was unexpected. Charlie shifted closer to him until their shoulders were nearly touching. "Know what?" he asked innocently.

He could practically hear the eye roll in his voice. "You know what."

He was testing him, Charlie knew. So he played dumb.

"No, I don't," he said, taking a sip of his beer and pausing. _Ah, fuck it._

"Unless, of course, you're talking about the fact that you're screwing Danny? In that case, yeah, I know."

He hadn't actually planned on letting the cat out of the bag like that, but now that he thought about it, it seemed like the perfect moment.

He also hadn't intended to sound so accusing.

Jays lifted his head at that, his hood sliding back and revealing more of his face, his wide eyes meeting Charlie's. He just grinned crookedly, raising the bottle to his mouth and giving Jay a nod. "Cheers."

"Wait. _Wait_ ," Jay put his hand on his shoulder and gripped lightly, staring at him in stunned silence, his eyes impossible to read. "You knew all along, didn't you? You've known it for _weeks_ ," he turned away again, shaking his head in disbelief and almost unconsciously tapping out a nervous rhythm on his knees, talking more to himself than to Charlie now. He looked at him again, his eyes narrowed. "Who else knows?"

Charlie said nothing, which said enough.

" _God_ ," Jay grimaced. "I told him you knew, but he was sure you didn't and I really wanted to believe him and-"

"Dude," Charlie laid his hand on Jorel's knee, catching and holding his gaze and he wasn't sure if he imagined the shiver going through Jay at the touch. "Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You know I like to make fun of everything," he genuinely wanted to reassure him, he didn't know why. "Besides, I'm your biggest fan, I support you. And even if I didn't, why would you care?" he hadn't meant to add that last bit, but he really wanted to know _. Just curious, nothing more._

His friend gave him a sideways grin, and damn he looked pretty smiling like that. 

Jorel shrugged. "I don't know. You're my best friend, I care what you think..."

"So is George. And Dylan", he pressed. "And Matt, right? I always thought you two were friends..."

_What am I doing..._

"Yeah. But ...you're you. You're special to me, I guess," he didn't miss the way Jay wouldn't meet his eyes, the way he licked his lips. He'd envisioned many ways this conversation might go, and this was not one of them. But they were alone, and he couldn't have steered this in another direction even if he'd wanted to.

"Next thing I know you'll be telling me you thought of me during sex," He'd meant the words to come out jokingly but his voice had gone all low and raspy, and he couldn't bring himself to care.

The pause that followed was awkward, and he wasn't blind, could see the faint flush creeping over Jorel's cheeks, his eyes lowering to focus on Charlie's hands, his knees, anywhere but his face. Charlie placed his beer on the table, watching him. "You _did,_ didn't you?" he said calmly. "You thought about me." He'd never seen him so shy. Usually, Danny was the shy one.

Jay groaned to himself, closing his eyes. "Please shut up, Charlie. It's not like that. I just..." he trailed off.

"What? Tell me, Jay. Got something on your mind?" Charlie moved forward till he was as close to him as he could get without touching him and he could feel the warmth radiating from him. "I didn't peg you as the shy type," he teased.

He wasn't drunk. Nowhere near it. So why was he doing this?

"It's not like that," Jay said again. "I'm really into Danny, you know. I really like him..."

"So do I," Fuck, they were flirting, weren't they? Or at least he was. And he couldn't even blame it on being drunk; he'd barely touched his drink.

The truth was, he kind of wanted Jay to find out exactly what he was thinking right then.

_I always wondered..._

Jay's lips were slightly parted, his gaze flicking between Charlie's eyes and his lips and Charlie took this as an invitation _,_ leaning closer. Just when he thought a kiss was inevitable, Jay put his hand on his chest, stopping him. He bit his bottom lip **,** looking uncertain. He didn't say anything but his eyes seemed to say: " _You sure this is a good idea?"_ As if Charlie knew the answer to _that_. He nodded barely visible, took his tattooed hand in his and pulled him closer once more, giving him all the opportunity in the world to back away. He didn't. 

This time, he kissed him.

He'd kissed men before, never like he meant it _(Sorry, Johnny)_ and never when he'd been sober, anyway. But this...felt different. This felt good, not strange at all.

And yeah, maybe he'd thought about doing this on more than one occasion but Jorel didn't know that and he didn't plan on telling him anytime soon.

He made a surprised noise in the back of his throat as Jay pushed him back down on the couch and crawled into his lap, his knees on either side of Charlie's hips. Charlie let his hand dip into the small of his back where the black hoodie Jay was wearing had ridden up slightly, fingers splayed over the heat of his skin. Jay broke the kiss, one hand on Charlie's shoulder to steady himself, fingers clenched in the fabric of his shirt. "What about Danny?" he asked, looking like he was trying not to look guilty, and failing.

What could he say? "I don't know, Jay, just...don't push me away," Charlie said, mentally preparing himself to tell Jay he'd totally understand if he couldn't risk hurting Danny by doing this. He felt stupid and needy as fuck and maybe a little helpless.

Jay nodded _,_ keeping his lips close to Charlie's. "I don't want to...I won't," he promised, and grinned when he felt Charlie's hand slide appreciatively across his ass. "But I guess it can wait."

"Yeah," Charlie said, the only words he could muster up. "Yeah, can wait."

He kissed Jay again, stifling a groan when Jay shifted in his lap, pushing forward until the bulge of Charlie's cock sat right in the denim-covered crack of his ass. He rubbed against him and Charlie had to pull back slightly, overwhelmed and more than a little turned on. He reached out, trailing a finger down Jay's cheek. "Christ, you're so beautiful, Jay," He was panting and breathless _,_ meaning it, and Jay looked at him with something akin to wonder in his eyes, a small smile forming on his lips.

He leaned forward, burying his face in Charlie's neck and nuzzling there and Charlie couldn't help but think that they should've done this earlier, maybe years ago. He was glad he hadn't gotten drunk. He wanted to remember this, all of it.

Then the door swung open and just like that, the moment was over. He pushed Jay off his lap, angling him to the side so he landed on the couch **-** just in time before Funny strolled in. He was holding a small black kitten in his arms. Charlie raised his eyebrows and picked up his abandoned beer, trying to appear casual. (Just like Jay and Danny had failed to do, he thought briefly) A moment later the door opened again and Danny came in as well, not even sparing them a glance (Charlie breathed an internal sigh of relief, shoulder sagging.) and snatching Charlie's bottle from his hand as he passed them.

"Dude," he complained. "Stop stealing everything."

Danny shrugged, mumbling something under his breath that Charlie couldn't understand and probably wasn't meant to, leaning against the wall opposite him. Meanwhile, Funny Man patted the kitten's head one last time before depositing it on the floor. It started purring immediately, rubbing itself against his legs.

"Okay...why is there a kitten in our bus?" Charlie heard himself break the silence.

"It wouldn't stop scratching at the door, _"_ Dylan said, shrugging. Charlie frowned. He hadn't heard anything, but then again, he hadn't exactly been paying attention. The bus door opened again, Kurlzz and Johnny coming in. Jay looked them up and down, eyes narrowed. "Where are y'all coming from?"

Johnny pointed at the door. "There was a kitten outside-"

Jay waved him off. "Yeah, I already know about that. Get it out of here, it's leaving hairs everywhere."

Funny feigned a pout. "But, Jay, look how cute it is!"

"It's not staying, okay?"

Charlie chuckled to himself, turning his head but Jay didn't seem to want to meet his eyes. His gaze slid past Charlie. Honestly, he couldn't blame him.

He decided now was the perfect time to get drunk.

\--

_What am I doing?_

Jorel felt as though he had guilt written all over his face. He licked his lips absently, still tasting Charlie there, and Danny faintly under that. Damn, he'd screwed up, hadn't he? Truthfully, all he wanted right then was to crawl into his bunk, close his eyes and just stop thinking for a while, even if only for a minute or two.

Or he could get drunk. Charlie was still sitting next to him on the couch, reaching over to the table for another beer. Yeah, seemed like he wasn't the only one feeling that way. Though he highly doubted he could get drunk on beer alone.

Okay, so he'd kissed Charlie. Or...Charlie had kissed him? He hadn't planned this, but he knew he'd liked it, so much. And...he didn't regret it. Charlie was...well, he was...

Yeah, he really was hopeless. Suddenly the cat hopped onto his lap, startling him a bit. It started cleaning its paws and he stroked its fur absently, lost in thought.

"Aw, she likes you, Jay," he heard Matt coo and forced a stiff little smile.

He was kind of afraid to look at Danny.

Was it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? And not just anyone, but his best friends? (God, that sounded so sappy, but he was sure this wasn't just attraction he was feeling. He knew his friends, after all, and had for a long time.) He wasn't sure if he should feel extremely lucky or like a greedy piece of shit. Or both.

His phone buzzed. Warily, he pulled it out and read the screen. It was a message from Danny.

_Charlie knows, doesn't he_

Well, fuck. He was fucked. 

He raised his eyes slowly. Danny had a knowing look in his eyes, brown eyes boring into Jay's and he could feel his heartbeat pick up slightly.

He texted back. _Yeah. Little bastard knew it all along...,_ he wrote, then added _we should probably talk,_ pressing Send before he could chicken out.

This was so stupid. There were less than three meters between him and Danny and here he was, texting him and not even knowing what he would say, what he would do.

He risked a glance at Charlie who appeared as unruffled as ever and Jay kind of wanted to kiss him again, right there, with everyone watching.

Yeah, things had gotten complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: I'm sorry, I wrote this when I just got into the fandom and didn't know that J was a cat person ^^'


	2. up for discussion

Maybe this had been a mistake.

Getting well and thoroughly sloshed might not have been the brightest idea he'd ever had. At least not that particular night.

It had all gone well until Dylan swung the fridge door open and came back with a bottle of expensive whiskey, pouring shots for each of them and well...Jorel hadn't exactly complained, which led to him being drunk off his ass after barely half an hour. He vaguely remembered trying to steal Charlie's bandana (Johnny had it now, wrapped around his left upper arm) and almost spilling his drink in his lap as Dylan threw himself down on the couch next to him and Charlie, throwing his arm around his shoulder.  
  
And they just kept going and going.  
  
Charlie picked up Jorel's glass and put it to his lips. "I drank out of that," Jay heard himself mumble, slanting a glance over at his bandmate who merely shrugged, rolling his eyes. He handed the glass back without so much as looking at him, which made him feel a little uneasy. Did Charlie regret what had happened? Hadn't he liked it?  
  
Which was just absurd, of course he'd liked it.  
  
He could feel Danny's gaze on him, studying him, which he pointedly ignored. He knew he should've talked to Danny right away, but the truth was, he didn't want to. They weren't in a relationship, and had never been, so there was no reason to feel guilty, right? He was technically single.  
  
Right.

And Charlie...he was pretending not to look, but Jorel caught him-every time. He didn't miss the jealousy that flickered on his friend's expression as Dylan draped his arm affectionately around his shoulder, or the way his gaze wavered between him and Johnny when Johnny was talking to Jorel...but he found he liked the attention.  
  
It was so easy for him to get distracted by Charlie. Just hearing his friend's voice now sent shivers down his spine. When he closed his eyes, he could picture Charlie behind him, and he imagined that all he had to do was lean back a little and they'd be pressed together, front to back. The idea made him dizzy, and he shook his head to clear his thoughts.  
  
The cat was still there, sitting at his feet, staring right back at him. He looked at Matt accusingly.  
  
"I thought I told you to get it out of here." He didn't really mind the cat anymore; it was actually pretty adorable. He just needed to fill the silence somehow.  
  
"Yeah..." Matt shot him a dirty look and leaned down to stroke the kitten's head. It meowed, winding its tail around his calf. "Well, I didn't."  
  
_No shit, really?_  
  
Jay nodded, his right hand still holding the glass trembling ever so slightly despite his best effort, his head buzzing from the alcohol. He could feel a headache coming on and pressed the glass up to his temple.  
  
"Yeah... I noticed." he managed, frowning when he heard his own voice.  
  
"Jeez, man, you _do_ sound kind of wasted", Dylan reached forward to ruffle his hair. "Do you think maybe you should slow down a little?" Dylan's words were lost to him as he noticed Charlie, more or less unobtrusively moving closer to him and clearing his throat. Jorel grinned into his drink, tipping his head back and downing the whiskey all in one gulp. He shrugged. "Not really, no."  
  
Johnny made a disapproving gruntling noise, putting his hands up when Jorel glared at him, a placating gesture. "Hey, I'm just looking out for you."  
  
"Really, Jay, stick to beer next time," Matt said, chuckling, his hair sticking up in every direction, as usual.  
  
"I'll drink what I feel like drinking, thank you very much."  
  
"Whatever." Matt rolled his eyes. "I'll hit my bunk guys, good night."  
  
"Same", Danny said curtly, abruptly standing up and exiting the bus instead of heading for the bunks, slamming the door shut behind him and effectively silencing every conversation all at once. Jay's wince was barely noticeable, and he managed to lift his head to stare after him, breathing a sigh of relief and maybe hating himself a little for feeling that way. _We'll talk later_ , he thought.

Whenever 'later' was.

\--  
  
Charlie was on the verge of telling Funny and Johnny to fuck the hell off. Which was ridiculous and he knew it but _still_.

And yeah, it was obvious why Jorel was drowning himself in booze right now, and he kinda wanted to make a move on him again, no matter who was watching. But he wasn't drunk. It took a lot to get him drunk in the first place but still, he'd hold himself back, find out if Jorel wanted to forget about this. He'd be okay with that, he supposed. They could go back to being best friends, surely...  
  
Best friends kissed all the time, right? It was totally normal.  
  
Yeah, no. He was lying to himself, and he knew it. Kissing Jorel had forced him to acknowledge what was between them and if Jorel distanced himself from him now...then he'd most probably suffer the same fate as Aron. His face fell at the realization.  
  
Oh, that would suck.

He imagined Jorel going radio silent on him, not answering his calls, refusing to meet him unless he absolutely had to...  
  
He shuddered a the thought. He definitely didn't want that to happen.  
  
But Jorel was so hard to ignore. And he really had nothing to lose. The worst he could do was reject him this time. Only one way to find out...  
  
"So, Jay...what's going on between you and Danny?" Johnny asked, sipping his beer innocently and breaking Charlie's train of thought. "If you don't mind me asking."  
  
Jay stared at him a little too long, raising a few eyebrows. "...What?"  
  
"I'm serious, man. You two in love or some shit?"  
  
Charlie developed a sudden cough but when Dylan shot him a questioning look, he was straight-faced.  
  
_Don't lose your cool. Don't say something stupid now._  
  
Jay laughed drunkenly, waving him off. "You're imagining things. Also, stop asking me dumb questions when I'm drunk."  
  
"I was just curious, okay," Johnny said, almost defensively.  
  
Jay smiled a crooked smile, wiggling his eyebrows. "Why don't you ask him on a date or something then, if you like him so much?"  
  
"I'm not gay."  
  
"Bisexual, then."  
  
"Not that either."  
  
"You are such a liar." Charlie told him, Dylan nodding along in agreement, sniggering.  
  
Johnny looked round the room, his eyes lingering on Charlie. "You're one to talk. As a matter of fact, I know you've been crushing on Jorel for years." he said, sounding slightly amused.  
  
And of course Johnny had to mention the elephant in the room.  
  
He held Charlie's gaze and unsurprisingly no one dared to break the staring contest between the two. "Knew it", he grinned.  
  
Deafening silence as he struggled for words. He found himself glancing sideways at Jay from time to time who had shuffled closer to his side as well, though his curious gaze shied away from Charlie's when he tried to look at him. Well, it was a start.  
  
He knew what he wanted to say, could hear it in his head and they were all looking at him, waiting to hear what he would say but he just couldn't open his mouth.  
  
_We could pretend this never happened and go back to how we used to be..._

But... that wasn't what he wanted to say.

"Charlie?"  
  
Jorel was looking at him expectantly, almost as if he'd suddenly grown sober again and Charlie sighed and rubbed a hand over his forehead, making up his mind. He closed the distance between them before Jay could say a word and kissed him again, softly this time, almost hesitantly. Jorel let out a surprised little huff of air and Charlie felt him slide his hands around his waist, pulling him closer. He tasted like whiskey but so, so sweet and Charlie's fingers tightened on his knee when Jay bit down on his bottom lip. So he wanted this too. The knowledge made him feel all warm inside.

He knew he needed to slow down, probably. He had to force himself to break away, panting, taking in how Jorel's usually pale lips were darkened and kiss swollen. Jay dipped his head and looked up at him from under his lashes and his smirk was just for Charlie.

"Um, guys..." he heard Johnny's voice behind him and frowned. He'd kind of forgotten that he was even there. "You know I was joking, right?"

Yeah, right, as if he was going to go back to talking lightly and acting like nothing had happened- no way. Jay blinked again, and Charlie blinked and somewhere beside them an imaginary lightbulb was lighting up above Dylan's head.

"Wait, does that mean...ooohhh. I think I get it now. That's so cute. I always knew you guys were gay."

Here they were again, uncomfortable silence stretching between them. Charlie pulled Jorel closer against his side and Johnny more or less stared at Jorel, trying to make sense of the situation somehow. "So you're...or is this-"

"You really need me to spell it out?" Charlie said, annoyed. He kissed the side of Jorel's neck, feeling the other's pulse quicken against his mouth, his own heart beating out a staccato rhythm against his ribs. He looked at George, daring him to say something.

The tension of the moment broke when Dylan snickered again, shaking his head.

"Oh my god guys...Can I join in?"

"You can do what you want, I don't care," George said, shrugging. "But let's not have sex in front of me, if that's alright?"

That reaction...was unexpected. He still wasn't sure if this had been a good idea after all. He wasn't even sure if he wanted things to get back to normal (he didn't), although normal felt about a hundred miles away.  
  
"More drinks?" Dylan asked, standing up smoothly.

\--

"I'm fucking tired."

Jorel sighed and downed his whiskey, banging the glass back on the table. If he had one more drink, he wouldn't even know what state they were in anymore.

Then again, he had no idea where they were while being sober, either.

But he needed some sleep and he needed it badly. He pushed at Dylan’s shoulders to get him to let him up, disentangling himself from Charlie's embrace. On shaky legs, he made his way out of the living area, somehow managing to stumble to the bunks. He could feel Charlie's gaze burning two holes between his shoulder blades, but he was too drunk to even form a coherent thought except _damn, Charlie is a good kisser_ , and _I'm kind of turned on right now_ and _this is fucking embarrassing_ and yeah, that was basically it.

Matt's curtain was open and he was out like usual, sprawled on his back with one arm over his head. He perked up when he heard Jorel, opening his eyes and glancing him briefly as he climbed into his own bunk. Jay opened his mouth, but Matt beat him to it. "You're a fucking asshole; you know that?"

So he knew more than he'd let on. He should've seen it coming; it was Matt, after all. Nothing ever escaped his notice. Jorel glared at him in the darkness. "And I'm drunk. You can yell at me all you like after I've slept this over, okay?" and with that, he slid the curtains shut, closing his eyes and letting himself drift into dreamless sleep.

  
\--

  
He woke up late the next morning, hungover and sticky and lying on his front, tempted to just close his eyes again and go right back to sleep.

He couldn't, though.

"Jorel? Are you alive or...?" Dylan's voice shook him fully awake and he groaned, rolling his eyes as he spotted the cat, curled up in a ball beside him. He made a complaining noise, stretching his legs a bit. "I'm gonna sleep until we have to be on stage and not one minute earlier," he muttered, pushing his face deeper into the pillow. God, his head hurt like hell. He couldn't sleep like this.

Eventually, he did get up, the cat stretching and yawning as his weight disappeared from the mattress. Charlie's bunk was empty already, and he tried not to ruminate too much as he stepped into the living area. The couch being occupied by Johnny and Funny Man (who was wearing the most hideous Hawaiian shirt Jay had ever had the misfortune to see), the other guys nowhere in sight. Good. He really didn't want Matt to argue with him now. Johnny grinned at Jorel knowingly as he headed for the bus door. "Don't even say anything," he grumbled over his shoulder, flipping him off and biting the inside of his cheek as he heard Johnny's answering chuckle. Damn him, he'd so never get drunk again.

He needed some fresh air.

Sure enough, Danny was waiting for him when he stepped outside, leaning against the bus, looking more tired than Jorel remembered ever seeing him. He only had to take one look at his face as he came through the door and promptly shut his mouth.

"Have you been standing there the whole night or..."  
  
"Don't be stupid," the singer shook his head and pushed himself off the side of the bus. He frowned upon seeing Jorel, noticing the dark circles under his eyes. "You look like shit," he commented.  
  
Jay waved him off, getting straight to the point. "Thanks. You don't look much better. Also, where the hell were you last night?"  
  
"Went for a walk", Danny shrugged.  
  
"Oh." wow, this was awkward.  
  
There was a pause. He took a deep breath.  
  
"Look, Danny, I-"  
  
Whatever he was going to say, he couldn't finish because Danny had taken a step forward and he was right in front of Jorel, kissing him hard on the lips. For a moment he let himself get lost in the moment, his eyes fluttering closed and feeling Danny put his arms around him, before he pushed himself away as if the touch had burned him. Which seemed a little unfair, he thought to himself, cringing a little as his memory caught up with him. They hadn't even talked about this yet. He mentally slapped himself for being such a coward.  
  
Danny shrugged, but he didn't look angry. More...wary. "I just wanted to know something" there was no venom in his voice, but his face showed his disappointment.  
  
"Know something..?" Jorel repeated.  
  
He nodded slowly, taking a breath and forcing the words out. "Yeah. Know if Jordon's...affection... was not merely friendly. Don't look at me like you have no idea what I'm talking about."  
  
Jay said nothing. Danny rolled his eyes, exasperated. "You really think I wasn't expecting this?"  
  
"Look, I'm still hungover- I need time to think-" he started and it was definitely the lamest reply ever. He'd never been good at these kinds of things. And it was also a lie, he wasn't even feeling that bad anymore.  
  
"Oh come on, Jay. I'm not stupid. You should see the two of you together. You finally got what you wanted and you don't need me anymore."  
  
Even though Jorel might've seemed nervous, he crossed his arms in an almost defiant manner. He opened his mouth, but Danny interrupted him yet again, shaking his head and looking almost resigned. Like he was giving up.  
  
"It's okay, Jay. You don't need time to think about this. You can make this easy for the both of us and...just go to him. No hard feelings."

"You're not angry?" he asked, licking his lips nervously. He may have looked calm but on the inside, he was anything but.

"Why would I be angry? We agreed on this being a casual fling and thats what it is...was. I mean, yeah, maybe I wanted to be with you but it's not like I loved you or anything." he said, but the last part came out sounding slightly bitter.  
  
_We don't fit together..._  
  
Though he left the words unsaid, they hung in the air between them.  
  
"Just...just tell me I'm wrong, and we can forget I ever said anything" the singer said, at last, some emotion he couldn't quite read clouding his eyes. Jay looked at him with agony.  
  
Apparently his silence was enough.

Danny nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets and turning away just as Dylan opened the door, looking between Danny and Jorel as Danny brushed past them. He tilted his head to the side.

"Okay, what did I miss?"  
  
\--  
  
No, he didn't run into Charlie's open arms immediately, despite what Danny might've expected. They might not actually have been dating but it still felt like he just went through a breakup and he didn't need to feel like even more of an asshole for running to Charlie as soon as he got the Okay.  
  
Not that Charlie wanted him to.  
  
He seemed...distant somehow. Talked to his other friends, in fact, he talked to everyone but Jorel. And he couldn't think of any reason why Charlie would act like that now. Yeah, Jay might've 'cheated' on Danny with him, and that had been unfair - but since when did Charlie care so much? Since when did he take things so seriously?  
  
Couldn't he hurry up and make up his mind already?  
  
"You're pushing me away." he said bluntly, once he found himself alone with him again. They hadn't had a lot of alone time together since that day - none to be exact - and it frustrated him to no end. That's why he got straight to the point. He leaned against his bunk, hands buried in the pockets of his hoodie, trying to look relaxed - and failing, he was sure of it.  
  
Charlie kept a straight face, looking for all the world like he had no idea what Jorel was talking about. "I'm not..." he trailed off.  
  
_Really now?_  
  
"You are. I remember you were afraid I'd push you away but now you're doing the same with me." he said quietly, stepping closer to him and trying not to let the hurt show _._ He let his hand slide down his friends arm, clasping their hands together. "Don't you want me?"  
  
Something passed through Charlie's eyes as a flicker, sparking some hope in Jorel's heart. But it was gone after only a moment, and Jay lowered his gaze to the floor, his eyes pricking with tears.  
  
He'd been afraid that things would be awkward between them if he ever acted on his feelings, and now they were, and it sucked. He didn't like the uncertainty. He didn't like that Charlie wouldn't even look at him anymore.  
  
But he knew they could be something else, something more - Charlie just had to let it happen.

"I'm sorry, I...I can't do this now," Jorel heard his friend say, who pulled his hand out of his and turned to leave. Jay reluctantly let him go, closing his eyes when he heard the door slam shut. Making no move to follow him, he let himself sink against the wall and to the ground with a soft, barely-there thud, knees against his chest.

He felt so alone, and he hated it. This was probably why it was never a good idea to date your bandmates.

  
\--  
  
It was quiet between them for the whole tour. But sometimes, when he looked into Charlie's eyes, he thought he could see exactly how the other felt, he was sure of it. And that somehow made it all okay.  
  
He told himself that, anyway.

  
\--

Weeks passed before he finally dared to try his luck again.  
  
He'd been standing in front of Charlie's house for half an hour, pacing up and down the street. The chill night air crept across his skin, making him shiver. He felt like an idiot for even coming here and seriously contemplated going home again.  
  
But he didn't. He loudly knocked on the door several times, determined, not realizing he was holding his breath until he heard Charlie's footsteps inside.  
  
Charlie opened the door a crack, his hair tousled and skin looking pale in the light of the street lamps. "Jay? What do you want?" He said sleepily, narrowing his eyes. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"  
  
He guessed that it was four in the morning, but Charlie didn't look like he'd been sleeping at all, still dressed in jeans and a dark hoodie, which made it okay.  
  
He shrugged. "What do you think?" he asked, feeling Chalie's gaze on him. He needed him to say something. Anything.  
  
"Go home, Jay," Charlie sighed and made to close the door, but he caught it and let himself right in as if he owned the place.  
  
"I'll go home." he closed the door behind him and leaned against it. "After we've talked," he said with a confidence he didn't feel, an arrogant smile curving his lips.  
  
Charlie rolled his eyes. "You wanna talk? Fine, talk, then. I'm listening."  
  
He grit his teeth. It really seemed like Charlie really was gonna pretend that nothing had happened. Even worse, he was giving Jorel the cold shoulder. No one had ever done that before. Charlie had him totally confused, and he didn't like it one bit.  
  
Charlie started walking into the living room where he sat down cross-legged on the couch and Jorel followed, more slowly. He didn't want to make Charlie feel like he was being stared at, but he couldn't help peeking at him in little glances. He didn't look happy, but at least he hadn't tried to throw him out - yet.  
  
More silence. He couldn't stand it anymore - he might have been at a loss for words, but maybe...maybe he didn't have to say anything. He walked to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him up to his feet so they were inches apart. He bracketed Charlie’s face with his hands and kissed him - hesitantly at first but growing more bold when he realized Charlie wasn't going to push him away, intent on pouring all the years he'd spent trying to get over his dumb crush into it. He rubbed little circles against the base of Charlie’s neck with his thumb, murmuring against his lips.  
  
"You don't want me to leave," he leaned down a little, close enough for his lashes to brush Charlies cheeks, their foreheads nearly touching. "Just admit it."  
  
Charlie looked as if he was fighting some sort of inner battle for a moment but then he sighed, his shoulders sagging a little.  
  
"Are you sure you want this?"  
  
Jorel couldn't help it- he laughed. "What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want you, idiot, that's what I've been trying to tell you the whole time? I thought I was being obvious."

He kissed him again. "I missed you, you know. Nearly drove me crazy, too... having to wait, wondering if you were thinking of me..." the words were flowing out of him like a waterfall now. "I kept thinking of the day you kissed me...I want to feel that way again."

He felt Charlie slide his hand down his back, moving down to his ass, squeezing it then back up to the small of his back. That was more like it. He bent his head close to his, his breath hot against his skin as he whispered in his ear. "I'll let you do whatever you want, you know."

That made Charlie look up, and he pulled Jorel even closer. "Anything?" he repeated, grinning.

Jorel blushed to the tips of his ears, but his voice had gone low and quiet.

"Anything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could be a while before I get myself to write the last chapter of this...idk I'm really not happy with it, maybe a few weeks (also the ending makes it seem like I'm going to write the next 50 shades of J-Charlie....spoiler:I'm not)


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